Out of Manipulation, I Created a Self that is Inferior to all Life

Upon writing out manipulation, I discovered that I created a self that is/was inferior to all life. I created this when I was very young and it has influenced, affected and harmed all aspects of my life. Here is what I discovered:

Creating a Self that is Inferior to all Life

 I forgive myself that I have created within/as self a being that is inferior to all life.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted habits, patterns, behaviors, reactions and responses over a lifetime in creating this  inferiority as/within me. I forgive myself that over this lifetime, these habits, patterns, behaviors, reactions and responses have accumulated and it will take time to deconstruct those accumulated behaviors and re-create a self that is equal to all life.

I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am equal to all; all are equal to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that this was harmful to self and all life here.

I forgive myself that I allow and accept others to be superior to me, including children that I have.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting others having the right to be superior over me.

I forgive myself that in the statement “others having the right to be superior over me”, I am reinforcing that I am inferior.

I forgive myself for creating this inferiority as me.

I forgive myself that in creating self as inferior, others are aware and have and will take advantage until I correct this point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed this inferiority so as to not have to take responsibility for self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting self to make inferiority the excuse to not take responsibility for self.

 

When I see within/as myself that I am experiencing inferiority, I stop, I breathe and see that I am no less, nor greater than any life.

When I realize I am experiencing discouragement in not accepting and allowing myself to inferior, I stop, breathe and realize I created this inferiority within/as me over a lifetime and with patience, consistency and self directiveness, I, indeed am creating a self that is equal to all life.

When i realize that I am allowing and accepting my children to act in such a way that I believe I am inferior, I stop, I breathe and focus on the process of creating self as equal, not above or below my children.

When I realize I am acting less than or allowing and accepting myself to be less than those around me, I will stop myself, breathe and I commit to assist and supporting myself in creating a self that is equal to all life.

I commit to un-creating the self as inferior by consistently walking out my equality with all life.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself by not allowing and accepting discouragement through writing this process out, stopping and breathing.

I commit to consistency, patience and self-direct self through practical steps using common sense to be equal to all life.

I commit to not accepting and allowing myself to blame my children for their actions where I have created myself to be inferior to them.

I commit to taking responsibility for myself in creating a self that is equal to all life.

Habits created as a result of creating a being inferior to all life

I don’t go places where I might feel inferior. I shrink inside. A really good example is: I went to a restraint with a guy I like a lot and his friends met us there. I felt lowly, ugly, unaccepted….ugh!!!  ooh, so I drank to try to feel more confident…wtf! That’s just weird.

I realize through self-investigation that  I elevate others by trying to hear about them, their accomplishments;

I talk to animals as if they are superior;

I have given to “worthy causes” to assist them financially because I judge them as “better than me” , thus I have deemed myself lower than the “causes” or the recipients of the money I may give them as in greater need than I am;

I realize that  I will encourage others, not myself.

I realize that I have told  myself “ I suck” lots of times.

I downplay my accomplishments out loud.

I realize that II created others being so much better than me.

I realize I have allow abuse as a result of feeling like I am inferior. I don’t try things, just food dishes not just because I feel inferior but out of fear.

I realize I stopped doing the things I kind of enjoyed:  I used to sing but do not sing in front of others anymore, I slump within/as my body

I realized too that, I will feel pain when I feel less than all life a lot of the times

I realize that I agree with others because I deem them superior, even though, later I am not in agreement with what they think, say or do.

Patterns created as a result of creating a being inferior to all life:

I just keep letting the cycle going, distrusting self, self-doubt,  I dress frumpily, comfortably, but in too big of clothes, I will put myself down,

Behaviors created as a result of creating a being inferior to all life:

Ignoring responsibilities: bills, car maintenance, stay in a “stuck” cycle, give up, allow others to tell what to do, thus, I don’t take responsibility.ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reactions created as a result in creating a being inferior to all life:

Becoming shy, not looking at others, feeling shame, feeling lowly, cough, anxiety, reinforce that I am “stupid” by dumbing down things or conveniently forgetting, not caring to remember or recall something just to reinforce my inferiority, don’t know why I even bother, ask myself, “What’s the point?”

Responses created as a result in creating a being inferior to all life:

Self-hate, self-harm, self-anger, sheepish, low self-esteem, don’t know what to do,( stay stuck), self-doubt,

Feelings associated with feeling inferior created

Sad, stupid, fear, distrust of self/others, useless, hopeless

Times I feel inferior to all life

When I don’t have money, our housing situation, not having a good job, when others are mad at me, when my car breaks down, when I have not met the wants of my children, sometimes needs,  when others have a degree or certification.

This is what I have to post so far, I am deconstructing these points and it takes days sometimes to do so. I will post more soon….

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Manipulation Part 1 Day 3

As am writing this point of manipulation through and walking it out, I can see that I am scattered. In conjunction with what I am posting here, I am writing incessantly on a certain/specific type of abuse that occurred and the beliefs/systems/behaviors/patterns/personalities I created within/as self. I am not posting all of it because it seems overwhelming. I am, in the best of my ability and understanding of self-forgiveness writing openly and self-honestly.

i forgive myself that I became scattered while writing these points out. i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed this point of being scattered to prevent me from writing on one topic at a time. i commit to assisting and supporting myself by stopping myself when i am aware of being scattered and even write down the topic of manipulation in front of me to get this written out, walk it through and correct this point of being scattered. i commit to stopping myself and breathing. i commit to assisting and supporting myself and slowing down my whole body and clearing my mind of the scattered thoughts that have been in/as/within me. i commit to posting as the internet is available to me.

more later…..

Manipulation Part 1 Day 2

Manipulation

 I realize upon deconstructing the point of being manipulated, I in turn manipulated myself by not believing myself to be trustworthy to make decisions and that I looked to parents/coaches/teachers/mostly males/even total strangers to give guidance, tell me what I should do, decide for me what to do.

This changed some when I became a single person after many many years of marriage and I immediately made decisions but had this fear of being criticized/judged/condemned.

However, I have second guessed a lot of my decisions because of fear I created of others judging me.

Following my separation and while raising children, I realize that I isolated myself through keeping myself really busy with kids, going to school, living in a remote area and did not have much contact with people. During that time, I was somewhat more assertive. Making decisions to do what was best for my family was something I had to do.

I realize that I was/am competent of making decisions that are beneficial, but just not when I am around a lot of people and when I don’t have to “deal” with their criticisms, judgments, “two cents”.

I realize that even though I made those decisions and was assertive, as soon as I explain to others what I have been doing with my family, I immediately second guess and or am easily brought to a point of thinking “I suck” or I compare myself.

I realize I abdicated my responsibilities and accepted and allowed myself to become non-worthy to myself at a very young age.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself using the excuse that I am not “trustworthy to make decisions”

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed an incident of abuse as the starting point for me manipulating myself and for the creation of the belief “I am not trustworthy to make decisions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed that incident to be my excuse to abdicate my responsibility to take up my own life/self.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself in this present time to take responsibility for creating a life/self.

I commit to discover what life/self I want and to do so to do what’s best for all.

I commit to not harming myself.

I commit to making decisions and trusting myself to make ones that would benefit ALL life.

I commit to assisting and supporting me by letting go of the abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that incident of abuse to be my starting point of self-hate, self-harm, self-distrust, self-manipulation.

I commit to building myself up into a new creation of me by deconstructing myself.

I commit to creating trust within/as self.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed fear of being criticized/judge/condemned for making decisions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed this fear to be me/as me/in me.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself and have create courage within/as myself in spite of others’ criticisms/judgments/condemnations.

I commit to not criticizing/judging/condemning self.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself through stopping myself when I want to criticize/judge/condemn myself and if need be, get guidance to assist me and support me.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself and take my time in making some decisions and know when to make decisions quickly.

I forgive myself that I have used procrastination due to lack of self-trust to stop me from making decisions.

I realize this is tied into my fear of being criticized/judged/condemned.

I forgive myself that I created this fear within/as self to block a flow of self-direction and self-correction, even self-commitment.

I commit to stopping fear from blocking me.

I commit to creating the confidence within/as me to self-direct, self-correct and keep my commitment to myself to creating a self that does/is what is best for all.

I  realize that when I lived out in the middle of nowhere, in my semi-state of isolation, I felt confident  somewhat about my decisions and when I came around more people, I second-guessed myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed the creation within/as my mind that when I live in the middle of nowhere, I am confident and that when I am around people, I am not especially with regard to my decision making.

I commit to creating a self that is confident no matter where I live.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself through building myself up, raising my awareness within/as self so i can change my confidence within myself.

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed reactions of self-doubt and wanting to please others to be my reason for abdicating my responsibility to make beneficial decisions for myself and my family.

I forgive myself for harming myself through self-doubt.

I commit trust in my decisions now and not please others but to do what is best for ALL life.

I forgive myself for sacrificing myself/my family to please others.

I commit to pleasing myself through self-discovering how I want to be, do what I want to do keeping in in the forefront that I need to do what is best for all.

I commit to regarding myself as here, not a damaged piece of flesh from the past that has no redemption or purpose here.

I forgive myself that I compare myself to others’ parenting style due to the lack of trust within/as self.

I commit to creating a parenting style that is beneficial and best for all.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself through this process of deconstructing behaviors I have accepted and allowed from my children/myself.

I commit to doing this by accepting and allowing myself to be patient with myself.

I commit to pushing through my frustrations that will inevitably come up through this process.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself through consistently through not accepting and allowing self-judgments, self-condemnations.

I commit to creating myself as a parent with the priority that I must do what is best for all.

With regard to the statement: “I suck”. This was a created backchat I have told myself a long time. I even let it live/possess me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the “I suck” personality.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself by letting go of this I suck personality because it is only a means of backchat.

I commit to stopping the backchat by breathing and willing myself to let go of this insidious statement of “I suck”.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself by confidently walking through the self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self- creating self.

In conclusion of today’s writing of manipulating myself  because of my belief I am not trustworthy, I want to add, I watched a vlog made by Anna called the Fear of Saying No. I also sat with myself five hours yesterday writing out the abuse that happened when I was three by way of relatives. I experienced so many physical twitches, twinges, cramps, NAUSEA, the feeling of spinning, severe aches in my hips and shoulder, incessant scratching, crying and accepting that those events did happen and worked through the emotion that I suppressed for decades over this issue of abuse. At this point of my writing this point of manipulation out, I have a clearer mind. I am choosing to stop being in denial and allowing the abuse I went through as a toddler affect me forever. Thanks for reading.

 

Day 1 Part I Manipulation

Today I am posting the beginning of a “series” I am writing on to write myself out of being manipulated. This came to my awareness within the last two weeks. I have been writing and realizing that I did not want to look at it by blocking myself and created those blocks to stay in denial. No more!!!! If you’d like to join me on my journey through how I got to this point of allowing others to manipulate me, keep reading!  I have highlighted some points that I will be pulling apart, tearing down, writing myself out of, investigating and educating myself through Desteni materials. As you can see, I have esteem, inferiority/superiority, manipulation, distrust within/as self, abuse,fear of not being, liked and other issues that I am consistently writing about and self-honestly investigating. And man, is it tough at times! As I view materials, I will post their links to help others who may be working through these same points. Here we go…

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Recently, someone whom i care about a lot, whom I deem “special”  told me he has been manipulating me.

i immediately realized that my father,mother,siblings,former partner, females and other males have manipulated me too.

i realize that i accepted and allowed this point of being manipulated  by  justifying that i am inferior to males that I deem “special.”

I realize too that it is my responsibility to stop allowing and accepting manipulation from others.

i realize that i can no longer allow and accept this person i care about to manipulate me because now that i am aware and am looking at this point of him manipulating me, it is my responsibility to end the manipulation.

i realize that i created fear that he won’t like me anymore if i do not allow him to manipulate me.

i forgive myself that i allowed and accepted fear that “he won’t like me anymore” if i change myself by not allowing him to manipulate me.

i realize that i have based my esteem on what he thinks of me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed him to be my source of esteem.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by creating my own esteem and not look to him/others for my esteem.

i realize I accepted and allowed manipulation because I liked others telling me what to do sometimes.

i forgive myself for not taking responsibility of myself.

i realize that  I liked that I didn’t have to make decisions at a very young age and that i could be manipulated into doing whatever anyone wanted because I did not trust myself.

i realize through writing this out that i accepted and allowed

this distrust of myself during/following abuse that began at three.

i realize i need to look at why i distrusted myself and allowed manipulation as a result of not trusting myself.

i realize i did not like myself and that i blamed myself for the adults’ behavior/abusiveness and did not even realize back then that i was being manipulated.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself in being more aware of when I am being manipulated in situations now.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself in creating trust within/as myself.

i realize that i allowed this manipulation because of feeling inferior to males.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to justify the allowance of being manipulated  by malesbecause of inferiority.

i commit to discovering how i got to this point of feeling inferior to males.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed that if i place a male in a superior position, i accepted and allowed myself to be inferior.

I realize i created myself as inferior at a very young age during and following  certain forms of abuse.

so i was three years old, my dad, uncle and possibly others abused me and i did not understand why i was being abused in that way at that moment. i was hot, sweaty and my bodily functions were not in my control. that is when i created this inferiority part of me.

i accepted and allowed

shame with the loss of bodily functions.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed shame to be within/as and have been consumed by

shame.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself through being here now and sticking to this process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and not being consumed with/and as

shame.

i commit to being aware of when

shame comes up until this point has been dealt with to its completion.

i commit to releasing this physical embodiment of

shame.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself through discovering how to rid myself of this

shame.

i accepted and allowed the mindset that i am not strong enough to fight off abusive, manipulative people.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed the mindset and embedded statement that “I am not strong enough to fight off abusive and manipulative people”.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself by not allowing that statement to BE me.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by creating a me I want to be in the now, not basing it on the past.

i commit to deconstructing myself and this point of not being strong enough.

i commit to not accepting and allowing situations where I place myself to be abused and or manipulated.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself and creating strength in and as self for the betterment of self and to know that is what is best for all.

i forgive myself for carrying the mindset with not being strong enough within/as me and projecting that onto others and making decisions off that mindset.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting all forms of abuse.

i commit to investigating all parts of myself and my responsibility to not harming myself or others.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to harm myself by not taking care of my physical body.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by taking care of my body by practicing good hygiene, exercise, stopping myself from eating poorly.

i commit to educating myself and practically taking care of my body to keep it strong, free from disease and building it up not tearing it down.

i forgive myself for the backchat i created within/as me while i am self-harming my body.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting self-sabotage through my self created backchat.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself through stopping myself at the points i want to condemn myself for accepting and allowing backchat.

i commit to tearing down patterns i accepted and allowed to be me.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by looking at those patterns and not fearing the unknown.

i commit to stopping myself from creating/accepting and allowing fear.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed others to abuse and manipulate and take advantage of me for decades.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself as inferior throughout a lifetime.

i commit to not feeling/being inferior and just be me.

i commit to allowing the feelings/fears/reactions arise and to not suppress myself as this is self-sabotage.

i commit to looking at each feeling that arises and deal with it through self-forgiveness.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself as each point of fear or reactions arise and stop and deal with them.

i commit to writing out those realizations.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself as i look at why i self-sabotage.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself as less than equal to anyone.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself and create a relationship of equality with myself first by being here with myself in writing out my self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements right now.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by accepting and allowing myself to not judge myself for not being equal with self/others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting years worth of being hurt to manifest with this one person’s manipulation of me.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself in beginning to be more aware of when I am being manipulated.

i forgive myself that i even accepted and allowed manipulation not just recently but throughout my lifetime.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by forgiving myself and not create self-pity, self-judgment, self-hate as i walk through this point of “being manipulated”.

i forgive myself for not seeing that i was being manipulated by a person who I claim to be “special” to me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make anyone “special” over another being.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make anyone “special” over another being.

I commit to learning how to do what is best for all, not just one particular person.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by discovering ways to do what is best for all.

i forgive myself for justifying that people are more “special” than me or anyone else.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make anyone “special” over another being.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make anyone “special” over another being.

i forgive myself for justifying that people are more “special” than me or anyone else.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself in the uncreating of this point. i commit to assisting and supporting myself in creating a true/valid view of humanity/life itself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing  myself to be inferior.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as an inferior being to all.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself by not allowing superiority/inferiority to be a polarity within/as me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the polarity that i am superior to others in some of my movements, patterns, beliefs, thoughts.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be superior over others so as to not truly look at myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in the polarity of inferiority/superiority polarity.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing justifying the use of this polarity to not move within/as myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing not wanting to changing in this point.

i commit to changing myself one step at a time and not use self-judgment to stop myself from moving.

i commit to intentionally forgiving myself for the creation of this polarity and to just be in this moment, honest with myself.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself to get to the “how did I get here” place of self-awareness.

i commit to making a commitment to myself.

i, denise, commit to me. i commit to knowing me, how i got here, not denying the events, memories, self-created thoughts/actions/reactions/responses/behaviors/manifestions/polarities/suppressions/self-manipulations. i commit to consistently being aware of me.

I looked at the following vlogs: The Desire For Relationship and Self-Abuse; When Push Comes to Shove.

More to come……

Day One

Today is the first day of the rest of my life is what I am thinking today. This is to begin my journey to life for myself and for all. I am excited to get to me through writing, using self-forgiveness as a tool to recreate myself as me. In looking at my mind constructs, I see how screwed up my thinking has been.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my screwed up thinking as me.

i forgive myself for creating a self that has not been aware of what the heck I’ve been doing.

I commit to looking deep inside my mind so as to be self-honest and apply self-honesty, courage, determination, commitment and to assisting and supporting myself through all processes that I encounter.

I forgive myself for fearing change prior to this point.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting fear to be me/consume me/invade me/be me as a form of not doing what’s best for me or for all.

I commit to stopping fear of change through backchat and other forms of blocking myself from changing/moving.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself through this process of change by using/utilizing self-supportive measures, i.e. desteni vlogs, research, blogs and maintaining a true commitment to change of self.

I commit to writing each and everyday to write myself into freedom.

I commit to supporting myself through being completely honest, even if I don’t “feel” like writing.

I commit to changing myself through writing, self-honesty, self-awareness, self-motivation, self-care, and not abusing self as I come to specific points I need to work on.

I am, in this moment, excited about making this commitment to change.