Day 1 Part I Manipulation

Today I am posting the beginning of a “series” I am writing on to write myself out of being manipulated. This came to my awareness within the last two weeks. I have been writing and realizing that I did not want to look at it by blocking myself and created those blocks to stay in denial. No more!!!! If you’d like to join me on my journey through how I got to this point of allowing others to manipulate me, keep reading!  I have highlighted some points that I will be pulling apart, tearing down, writing myself out of, investigating and educating myself through Desteni materials. As you can see, I have esteem, inferiority/superiority, manipulation, distrust within/as self, abuse,fear of not being, liked and other issues that I am consistently writing about and self-honestly investigating. And man, is it tough at times! As I view materials, I will post their links to help others who may be working through these same points. Here we go…

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Recently, someone whom i care about a lot, whom I deem “special”  told me he has been manipulating me.

i immediately realized that my father,mother,siblings,former partner, females and other males have manipulated me too.

i realize that i accepted and allowed this point of being manipulated  by  justifying that i am inferior to males that I deem “special.”

I realize too that it is my responsibility to stop allowing and accepting manipulation from others.

i realize that i can no longer allow and accept this person i care about to manipulate me because now that i am aware and am looking at this point of him manipulating me, it is my responsibility to end the manipulation.

i realize that i created fear that he won’t like me anymore if i do not allow him to manipulate me.

i forgive myself that i allowed and accepted fear that “he won’t like me anymore” if i change myself by not allowing him to manipulate me.

i realize that i have based my esteem on what he thinks of me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed him to be my source of esteem.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by creating my own esteem and not look to him/others for my esteem.

i realize I accepted and allowed manipulation because I liked others telling me what to do sometimes.

i forgive myself for not taking responsibility of myself.

i realize that  I liked that I didn’t have to make decisions at a very young age and that i could be manipulated into doing whatever anyone wanted because I did not trust myself.

i realize through writing this out that i accepted and allowed

this distrust of myself during/following abuse that began at three.

i realize i need to look at why i distrusted myself and allowed manipulation as a result of not trusting myself.

i realize i did not like myself and that i blamed myself for the adults’ behavior/abusiveness and did not even realize back then that i was being manipulated.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself in being more aware of when I am being manipulated in situations now.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself in creating trust within/as myself.

i realize that i allowed this manipulation because of feeling inferior to males.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to justify the allowance of being manipulated  by malesbecause of inferiority.

i commit to discovering how i got to this point of feeling inferior to males.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed that if i place a male in a superior position, i accepted and allowed myself to be inferior.

I realize i created myself as inferior at a very young age during and following  certain forms of abuse.

so i was three years old, my dad, uncle and possibly others abused me and i did not understand why i was being abused in that way at that moment. i was hot, sweaty and my bodily functions were not in my control. that is when i created this inferiority part of me.

i accepted and allowed

shame with the loss of bodily functions.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed shame to be within/as and have been consumed by

shame.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself through being here now and sticking to this process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and not being consumed with/and as

shame.

i commit to being aware of when

shame comes up until this point has been dealt with to its completion.

i commit to releasing this physical embodiment of

shame.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself through discovering how to rid myself of this

shame.

i accepted and allowed the mindset that i am not strong enough to fight off abusive, manipulative people.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed the mindset and embedded statement that “I am not strong enough to fight off abusive and manipulative people”.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself by not allowing that statement to BE me.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by creating a me I want to be in the now, not basing it on the past.

i commit to deconstructing myself and this point of not being strong enough.

i commit to not accepting and allowing situations where I place myself to be abused and or manipulated.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself and creating strength in and as self for the betterment of self and to know that is what is best for all.

i forgive myself for carrying the mindset with not being strong enough within/as me and projecting that onto others and making decisions off that mindset.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting all forms of abuse.

i commit to investigating all parts of myself and my responsibility to not harming myself or others.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to harm myself by not taking care of my physical body.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by taking care of my body by practicing good hygiene, exercise, stopping myself from eating poorly.

i commit to educating myself and practically taking care of my body to keep it strong, free from disease and building it up not tearing it down.

i forgive myself for the backchat i created within/as me while i am self-harming my body.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting self-sabotage through my self created backchat.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself through stopping myself at the points i want to condemn myself for accepting and allowing backchat.

i commit to tearing down patterns i accepted and allowed to be me.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by looking at those patterns and not fearing the unknown.

i commit to stopping myself from creating/accepting and allowing fear.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed others to abuse and manipulate and take advantage of me for decades.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself as inferior throughout a lifetime.

i commit to not feeling/being inferior and just be me.

i commit to allowing the feelings/fears/reactions arise and to not suppress myself as this is self-sabotage.

i commit to looking at each feeling that arises and deal with it through self-forgiveness.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself as each point of fear or reactions arise and stop and deal with them.

i commit to writing out those realizations.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself as i look at why i self-sabotage.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself as less than equal to anyone.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself and create a relationship of equality with myself first by being here with myself in writing out my self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements right now.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by accepting and allowing myself to not judge myself for not being equal with self/others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting years worth of being hurt to manifest with this one person’s manipulation of me.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself in beginning to be more aware of when I am being manipulated.

i forgive myself that i even accepted and allowed manipulation not just recently but throughout my lifetime.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by forgiving myself and not create self-pity, self-judgment, self-hate as i walk through this point of “being manipulated”.

i forgive myself for not seeing that i was being manipulated by a person who I claim to be “special” to me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make anyone “special” over another being.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make anyone “special” over another being.

I commit to learning how to do what is best for all, not just one particular person.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself by discovering ways to do what is best for all.

i forgive myself for justifying that people are more “special” than me or anyone else.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make anyone “special” over another being.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make anyone “special” over another being.

i forgive myself for justifying that people are more “special” than me or anyone else.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself in the uncreating of this point. i commit to assisting and supporting myself in creating a true/valid view of humanity/life itself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing  myself to be inferior.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as an inferior being to all.

I commit to assisting and supporting myself by not allowing superiority/inferiority to be a polarity within/as me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the polarity that i am superior to others in some of my movements, patterns, beliefs, thoughts.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be superior over others so as to not truly look at myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in the polarity of inferiority/superiority polarity.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing justifying the use of this polarity to not move within/as myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing not wanting to changing in this point.

i commit to changing myself one step at a time and not use self-judgment to stop myself from moving.

i commit to intentionally forgiving myself for the creation of this polarity and to just be in this moment, honest with myself.

i commit to assisting and supporting myself to get to the “how did I get here” place of self-awareness.

i commit to making a commitment to myself.

i, denise, commit to me. i commit to knowing me, how i got here, not denying the events, memories, self-created thoughts/actions/reactions/responses/behaviors/manifestions/polarities/suppressions/self-manipulations. i commit to consistently being aware of me.

I looked at the following vlogs: The Desire For Relationship and Self-Abuse; When Push Comes to Shove.

More to come……

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One thought on “Day 1 Part I Manipulation

  1. keep ‘m coming, very cool

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