I realize upon deconstructing the point of being manipulated, I in turn manipulated myself by not believing myself to be trustworthy to make decisions and that I looked to parents/coaches/teachers/mostly males/even total strangers to give guidance, tell me what I should do, decide for me what to do.
This changed some when I became a single person after many many years of marriage and I immediately made decisions but had this fear of being criticized/judged/condemned.
However, I have second guessed a lot of my decisions because of fear I created of others judging me.
Following my separation and while raising children, I realize that I isolated myself through keeping myself really busy with kids, going to school, living in a remote area and did not have much contact with people. During that time, I was somewhat more assertive. Making decisions to do what was best for my family was something I had to do.
I realize that I was/am competent of making decisions that are beneficial, but just not when I am around a lot of people and when I don’t have to “deal” with their criticisms, judgments, “two cents”.
I realize that even though I made those decisions and was assertive, as soon as I explain to others what I have been doing with my family, I immediately second guess and or am easily brought to a point of thinking “I suck” or I compare myself.
I realize I abdicated my responsibilities and accepted and allowed myself to become non-worthy to myself at a very young age.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself using the excuse that I am not “trustworthy to make decisions”
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed an incident of abuse as the starting point for me manipulating myself and for the creation of the belief “I am not trustworthy to make decisions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed that incident to be my excuse to abdicate my responsibility to take up my own life/self.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself in this present time to take responsibility for creating a life/self.
I commit to discover what life/self I want and to do so to do what’s best for all.
I commit to not harming myself.
I commit to making decisions and trusting myself to make ones that would benefit ALL life.
I commit to assisting and supporting me by letting go of the abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that incident of abuse to be my starting point of self-hate, self-harm, self-distrust, self-manipulation.
I commit to building myself up into a new creation of me by deconstructing myself.
I commit to creating trust within/as self.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed fear of being criticized/judge/condemned for making decisions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed this fear to be me/as me/in me.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself and have create courage within/as myself in spite of others’ criticisms/judgments/condemnations.
I commit to not criticizing/judging/condemning self.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself through stopping myself when I want to criticize/judge/condemn myself and if need be, get guidance to assist me and support me.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself and take my time in making some decisions and know when to make decisions quickly.
I forgive myself that I have used procrastination due to lack of self-trust to stop me from making decisions.
I realize this is tied into my fear of being criticized/judged/condemned.
I forgive myself that I created this fear within/as self to block a flow of self-direction and self-correction, even self-commitment.
I commit to stopping fear from blocking me.
I commit to creating the confidence within/as me to self-direct, self-correct and keep my commitment to myself to creating a self that does/is what is best for all.
I realize that when I lived out in the middle of nowhere, in my semi-state of isolation, I felt confident somewhat about my decisions and when I came around more people, I second-guessed myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed the creation within/as my mind that when I live in the middle of nowhere, I am confident and that when I am around people, I am not especially with regard to my decision making.
I commit to creating a self that is confident no matter where I live.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself through building myself up, raising my awareness within/as self so i can change my confidence within myself.
I forgive myself that accepted and allowed reactions of self-doubt and wanting to please others to be my reason for abdicating my responsibility to make beneficial decisions for myself and my family.
I forgive myself for harming myself through self-doubt.
I commit trust in my decisions now and not please others but to do what is best for ALL life.
I forgive myself for sacrificing myself/my family to please others.
I commit to pleasing myself through self-discovering how I want to be, do what I want to do keeping in in the forefront that I need to do what is best for all.
I commit to regarding myself as here, not a damaged piece of flesh from the past that has no redemption or purpose here.
I forgive myself that I compare myself to others’ parenting style due to the lack of trust within/as self.
I commit to creating a parenting style that is beneficial and best for all.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself through this process of deconstructing behaviors I have accepted and allowed from my children/myself.
I commit to doing this by accepting and allowing myself to be patient with myself.
I commit to pushing through my frustrations that will inevitably come up through this process.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself through consistently through not accepting and allowing self-judgments, self-condemnations.
I commit to creating myself as a parent with the priority that I must do what is best for all.
With regard to the statement: “I suck”. This was a created backchat I have told myself a long time. I even let it live/possess me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the “I suck” personality.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself by letting go of this I suck personality because it is only a means of backchat.
I commit to stopping the backchat by breathing and willing myself to let go of this insidious statement of “I suck”.
I commit to assisting and supporting myself by confidently walking through the self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self- creating self.
In conclusion of today’s writing of manipulating myself because of my belief I am not trustworthy, I want to add, I watched a vlog made by Anna called the Fear of Saying No. I also sat with myself five hours yesterday writing out the abuse that happened when I was three by way of relatives. I experienced so many physical twitches, twinges, cramps, NAUSEA, the feeling of spinning, severe aches in my hips and shoulder, incessant scratching, crying and accepting that those events did happen and worked through the emotion that I suppressed for decades over this issue of abuse. At this point of my writing this point of manipulation out, I have a clearer mind. I am choosing to stop being in denial and allowing the abuse I went through as a toddler affect me forever. Thanks for reading.